One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
