He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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