Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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