I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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