Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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