On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
that may or may not have been my penis.
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