it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
