i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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