Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
