I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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