Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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