His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
