So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
