A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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