What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
