My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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