Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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