His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
