I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Life is so much better after having sex.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
