He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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