I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
