she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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