i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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