if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
