youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
