everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
