How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
