Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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