I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
