You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
