sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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