I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How does one acquire holy water?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
