i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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