good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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