Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
