Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
