i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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