I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
