they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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