Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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