You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
