it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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