you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Found your dick twin last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
