And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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