Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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