Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
