my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
