I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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