I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
