so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
