I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize