I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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