Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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