You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
