i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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