i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
