Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
