All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize