it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
