you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
