Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
