You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
