I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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