if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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