I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
