When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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