i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
