My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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