Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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