I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
